Tales of the Parodyverse

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ManMan - Posting before bedtime.
Sat May 29, 2004 at 11:22:55 pm EDT
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ManMan - The Villain in 4B.
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Previously - ManMan has returned to Parodiopolis and has moved into a tenement in Hell's Bathroom. Broke, he has taken the job offered to him by the manager Mr. King, that of the building's maintenance man.

----


"Mrs Vasquez?" Joe inquired as the door to apartment 4A opened.
"Yes..." the old lady replied.
"I'm the maintenance guy," the part-time hero held up a toolbox he was carrying. "I'm here about the leak in your sink?"
"Oh," she smiled with relief. "It's over there," she pointed out as she led the Elvis-Impersonator in.
"Thanks," he smiled and crawled under the sink. "I see the problem...." He told her as he was hit in the eye by a gush of water. "It's the uh...Tube socket."
"Tube socket?!?" Knifey whispered incredulously.
"Shh!" he told his sidekick. "Yeah...The uh, tube socket has come loose, it'll just need some tightening with a 12-space filangee and it'll be fine."
"12-space filangee? You're making this up!" his blade accused him.
"Of course I am," Joe replied. "But I told Mr. King that I knew about plumbing and it's the only thing keeping us off the streets."
"So what are you going to do about this?" the knife nodded toward the leaky sink.
"I'm gonna tighten that thing until it stops squirting me in the eye," the hero decided. "YAH!"
"Wrong way Mario," snickered Knifey.

----


"Thanks Joe," Mrs Vasquez smiled.
"I'm in apartment 3B if you need any other help," the hero offered. "Thanks again for the towel."
"Goodbye." She closed the door.
"Nice old lady. Okay, next on our list is 8C...." Joe stopped as the door to apartment 4B opened and a small and grossly overweight teenager left. He looked up at Joe. "Move, insignificant speck!" he demanded.
"Oh, sorry," Joe moved aside and the teenager left with a derisive snort. “Did you see inside the apartment?” ManMan asked Knifey.
“I was too busy admiring the fat kid,” the sentient blade admitted.
“It was full of equipment!”
“I don’t blame him. Looking like that, I wouldn’t want to work out in front of people either.”
ManMan shook his head. “Not that sort of equipment, it was...evil stuff!”
Knifey metaphorically frowned. “Evil stuff?”
“Yeah, vials and tubes and weird coloured liquids, stuff people use to be villains!”
“I think another trip to PhantomHwk Memorial is in order, the psychiatric wing this time,” his sidekick suggested.
Joe ignored his sidekick. “We’ve got to get in there!”
“That’s breaking and entering, if you get caught, you’ll be fired.”
“But all the cool heroes do it!” he whined. “Besides," he told Knifey seductively. "If he’s got world-dominion plans then we could save the world again.”
“Do it,” Knifey ordered.
Joe reached into his toolbox and pulled out the skeleton key for the building; checking to see if the coast was clear, he entered the apartment.


----


The flat was a super-villain's dream; evil plans and wicked thoughts inhabited every ominous inch of the room, blueprints for elaborate pain-inducing machines carpeted the floor - one, titled 'Weapon of Mass Dislocation' looked particularly painful - in the centre of the room stood the large table full of equipment Joe had seen from the outside, various bottles and tubes stood on it, their nefarious purposes unclear. The Elvis-Impersonator walked over to a large filing cabinet, it was stuffed full of files on the Lair Legion and the other heroes, profiling their personalities and potential weaknesses. Joe noticed he wasn't among them. "It's alright," he sniffed, trying not to sound too hurt, "He won't see me coming."
"In that ridiculous attire, only the blindest of bats could miss you," decided a voice from that doorway that dripped with petty malevolence. It was the fat teenager.
Joe decided to ask the obvious. "Who are you and what the hell are you doing with this stuff?"
"My! Aren't you nosy for a jumped up toilet-cleaner?" the kid laughed, which set his fat jowls tumbling about his face like a bowl of jelly in a washer/dryer. He waved a chubby hand dismissively. "I will let you live...This time, stain. And because you amuse me with your pathetic attempt at bravado, I will give you the honour of knowing my name."
"Gee, thanks," the Elvis-Impersonator muttered.
"I am...Ignatius Quiller! And soon the world shall tremble at the name...IQ!"
"Lays it on a bit thick, doesn't he?" commented Knifey.
"How do guys like you get these huge egos?" Manny asked. "I mean, you haven't even done anything evil!"
"I will!" the rotund rascal cried a little defensively. "I'm...biding my time...waiting for the right moment to strike!"
Joe snorted. "Plans!" he cried. "All you do is make plans! These blueprints, these files marked 'long-term goals', have you ever acted upon them? Have you ever even done anything evil?"
There was silent pause. Then IQ gasped. "Of course! You're right! Until I commit my first truly evil crime, I will never believe in myself enough to realise my dream of a pan-dimensional galactic empire with me as it's absolute master!"
"Er...That's not quite what I meant," the hero began, but was interrupted by Ignatius pumping his hand furiously.
"I shall not forget your wise and generous counsel," the rookie-villain beamed. "I will make you my chief advisor!"
Joe was flattered, apart from his brief stint in a Village People cover band, he'd never been chief of anything. "Thanks!" he accepted blindly.
"Excellent..." IQ squinted at the name sewn onto Joe's maintenance uniform. "...Jesus. Together, we shall conquer all-known regions of space and time!"
"Ah, my name's not actually Jesus. You see, this uniform is second-hand-"
The dumpy despot shushed him. "Names do not matter between allies such as ourselves! Do you think my name is Ignatius Quiller? Until I changed it, I was the pitifully inept Leonard Nutt." He shook his head sadly.
"So what's out first move...boss?" Jesus/Joe asked.
"Murder the Lair Legion, of course!" IQ rummaged through his files until he found an appropriate blueprint. "A murderous army of Plant-Men!"
The Elvis-Impersonator shook his head. "spiffy can control plant-life."
"No matter," the villain threw the plan aside. "There are dozens to choose from," he produced another blueprint. "A mind-control laser!"
Manny yawned. "Mind control? It's been done."
"An army of evil rodents!"
"Sounds good, but you'd end up with the name King Rat, or something."
"I shall become President!"
"I don't think nasty tax reforms are going to conquer the universe," Joe pointed out. "What you need is something original, something striking, something that will catch everyone off-guard."
"Something that befits my impressive personage!" agreed the villain. He frowned, "However, this may take some time. Leave me Jesus, I must meditate on the problem."
ManMan nodded. "Sure boss. Let me know if you get anything...I'm in 3B."

----


"So we're evil now?" Knifey asked as soon as Joe had entered their apartment.
The hero scoffed. "Me? Evil? I don't think so. Aunt April would kill me."
"Then what was all the evil-advising about?" his sidekick wanted to know.
Joe flopped onto the couch and switched on the TV. “He seemed kinda lonely...In that tiny room, on his own...I bet his girlfriend just dumped him...and it’s not like his friends are bothering to visit...”
“We’re not talking about the loser in 4B now, are we? This is about the loser in 3B,” Knifey told him.
“Me? I’m not lonely and desperate. It’s only been two weeks. I’m a strong person! A confident and sexy person!” Manny’s objections grew more desperate.
There was a knock at the door before things got more embarrassing.
Joe sniffed and cleared his throat. "Door's open."
Ignatius Quiller entered. "I've got it Jesus! A way to neutralize all those miserable do-gooders and my worthless rivals in one swoop!"
His chief advisor smiled. "Hey that's great! Wanna beer?"
IQ frowned. "...Ok," he agreed before continuing to explain his plan. "First, we need some plutonium-"
"Here," Joe gave him a can he'd fetched from the fridge. "Samurai Jack is on, let's watch!" The Elvis-Impersonator pointed at the screen.
The villain stopped and faced the TV. "Is he a Hero? I do not have him in my files..."
"Aw, man! Samurai Jack's the best! Sit down...Drink!" The hero insisted.
Ignatius sat on the couch and stared down at the can. "I've never consumed alcohol before..."
"Well here's a good place to start," Joe told him. "See...Jack is a Samurai who fought this shape-changing wizard called Aku, as Jack's about to kill the guy - he gets thrown into the future. Where Aku is the King of everything."
"I like this Aku," admitted IQ.
"Yeah well, now Jack's in this future he knows nothing about...." Joe continued.
And they both got drunk.


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